The Dread Menu

For those of you who are considering Jillian's dreaded shred, or for the more prudent among you who just want to experience my pain vicariously,here's a peek at the menu. The workout menu, that is.(Her diet plan is an online program that I have no intention of getting myself or my credit card sucked into.) 

The following 'menu' consists of workout levels one and two. I began level two (In which even the fierce Natalie whines) around day fifteen. A couple days later, I tried level three and as I shared with my Facebook friends, "That b*tch is crazy." 


I returned to level two the following day and have been there ever since. Level three has too much plyometric action for my taste; not to mention my joints. 


Trust me. Either one of the first two levels is enough to choke down every morning. And to add to the fun, they are sprinkled with Jillian's sweet expressions of encouragement like, "No resting", "You can't phone this in", or "I want you gargling your heart." And my personal favorite, "I want you to feel like you're going to die!"

Bon appetit!

30 Day Dread

Appetizers   Jillian's appetizers are a classic array of dynamic stretches that barely warm up your muscles and seriously beat up your joints.

Arm crosses. Forward and Backward Windmills. Hip circles.  Knee Circles. Jumping Jacks. High Leg Kicks.  Neck Circles

Entrees  A tempting strength-training mixture designed to stress your muscles to the edge of torture.

A colorful combination of painful Push-ups and booty shaping Squats with Shoulder Press.

Jillian offers some tasty morsels on form during Dumbbell Rows

A generous portion of Static Lunges served over Bicep Curls

Served a la cart and flat on your back: Chest Flies

A bountiful blend of ankle-stressing Side Lunges with neck straining Shoulder Raises

As if push ups aren't bad enough, Jillian's house special: Walking Push Ups

Hold a squat position till your legs feel like buttah: Static Squat with Dumbbell Row

Hold a lunge position till your legs feel like jelly:  Static Lunge with Shoulder Press

Pendulum Lunge balanced with hearty Hammer Curls

Quad defining Leg Extensions layered with Military Press

A daring combination of Chair Squat with V Fly without the chair

Salads  Just get your heart pumping and stop whining about your joints.

Fresh from grade school Jump Rope and Double Jump Rope (without the Rope)

Low Squat Punches designed to slow cook your thighs and heat up your abs

A classic: Squad Thrusts (Yes, she goes there.)

Savory and Organic Oblique Twists

Skaters served without skates

Bountiful Butt Kicks... nuff said?

And the piece de resistance: Plank Jacks.. In case your ankles survived Jumping Jacks.

Sides Jillian has cooked up a series of gut wrenching ab exercises guaranteed to leave you asking yourself why you didn't hit the snooze button.

Crisp Crunches served with a hearty heaping of Hip Raises

Or have the above pureed and served as a Double Crunch

Slow Cooked Bicycle Crunches

The muffin top cure: Oblique Crunch

Crunches skillfully paired with Single Leg Raises

Say goodbye to your lower back with Crunches flavored with Double Leg Raises and finally...Plank Twists.

Dessert  Thinking about Tiramisu or a Massage? Ha. Think again! JM's two minutes stretch is about as tasty and satisfying as lime hospital jello. (without the Cool-Whip)

Wide Leg Stretch. Side Leg Stretch. Shoulder Stretch and Quad Stretch

One could argue that this 27 minute workout is the 'fast food' of exercise plans. But by no stretch of the imagination, is this a 'Happy Meal'.

Toughest or Scariest?

Jillian Michaels introduces her '30 Day Shred' by proudly telling me that she has been called "TV's Toughest Trainer." She even adds, "That's probably true." But I wonder. Is she the toughest or the scariest? 


I've witnessed her wrath on the Biggest Loser and no doubt she's tough, but I think she's cornered the market on scary. Here's a quote of her screaming at a 'loser' on the treadmill: "Unless you faint, puke or die, keep walking!" And that's when the cameras are rolling. Yikes.

As much as I dread her, I really pity the poor saps who have to face her live and in person. Probably the only thing as frightening as being her trainee, is being her employee and I suspect that the two costars of her 'Shred' DVD are no exception.


Each morning she introduces them as her 'two best girls' and I get the impression that she owns them. Anita is a tall, toned redhead with razor sharp abs and a booty you could serve cocktails on. Right off the bat, I'm not loving her. She has a waistline so tiny, I want to give her a cookie.


Natalie is a beautiful muscle-bound gal with thighs that look strong enough to double as nutcrackers, which kind of depresses me because I'm not sure I could crack eggs with mine.

JM instructs me to follow Natalie's moves if I want a challenge (rofl) and since she looks like she could kick the a** of a young 'Governator', I'm sticking with Anita. She's the one JM says to follow for modifications, which as I've mentioned in a previous post, are few and far between. 


Don't get me wrong. Anita is no wimp. Her 'on set' moves are  just less radical and she does girl-push-ups with me. (Only without the whimpering) When the cameras aren't rolling, I bet should could drop and give you 50. 


In fact, I don't kid myself that any of these 'girls' sculpted their body in 30 days. Just like JM, they've logged countless hours in the gym. 


But as fit as they all look, what is it about JM? I grant you it's her DVD. Her workout. Her show. But why does she seem so scary? Is it her passion? Her commitment? 


I think it's testosterone. There. I said it.


Oh please! I know that sounds unkind. But it's not like I'm accusing her of wearing a cup. The truth is JM puts out enough of the T-stuff to fill an NFL locker room. 


I bet Natalie and Anita could tell you some stories,but they're not talking. JM refers to them as 'buddies' or 'guys' during their (27-plus-minutes) air-time, and they don't utter a word. Neither one is miked and I'm guessing this is not an oversight. 


Did they speak on a previous set and get punished?  And if they had permission to speak, I doubt that even Natalie-who could drop JM like a bag of dirt-would dare to mutter anything other than a "Yes Sir!". 

With all the charm of a drill sergeant JM delivers the pain. She doesn't bring half the wrath to the 'Shred' set as she does to the 'Biggest Loser', but even with the beast reigned in, I see who she is.


Jillian Michaels is Alpha-Dog. 


And Anita and Natalie are her b*tches. And for the next 15 days (God help me!) so am I.

My Workout Partner

I know it sounds harsh, but I have never been fond of workout partners. While I love a good Zumba or Kickboxing class and have played my share of softball back in the day, weight-workouts have just never felt like a team sport to me.


I'd rather get in and get out. I don't want to worry about my workout partner having a cuter outfit than me, or judging me on how scary I look with my hair shoved under my baseball hat, or how weak I am. I don't want to hear about her boss or her boyfriend. I don't want competition or conversation. I prefer: No muss. No fuss. No drama.


Having said that, I could not have survived lately without my current workout partner. She has been by my side every morning for the last 9 days as I face the beast that is Jillian Michaels. She has not only made it bearable. It's almost been...dare I say it? Fun.



Meet my workout partner Coco, a 6 year old mutt: part Australian Shepard /part Circus Dog. She's agile, smart and does tricks for treats. Coco can execute a vertical 4 foot jump without a running start. I kid you not. She is 15 lb canine helicopter.

As I sit on the bed tying my sneakers, bleary eyed and barely conscious, she watches and waits. I stand and Coco herds me into the living room. I pop Jillian's '30 Day Dread' into the DVD player and she tears around the living room in search of her pink ball. 


As soon as I open my exercise mat onto the floor,Coco is stretched out on top of it. The pink ball is in her mouth and she's ready to roll.


I'm warming up and and so is she. While I'm 'jumping jacks' and 'kicking my butt', Coco is prancing around me in circles, squeaking her ball with her teeth.

And when I begin my first set of push-ups, it's on. I'm at her eye level now and she's teasing me with the ball, bringing it within grabbing distance and dashing away. 


We both know it's only a dance because Mama don't play that. Coco knows that I will not chase after her and wrestle the ball out of her mouth. If she wants to play fetch she must drop it. And it has to be close. 


She waits till I'm prone doing 'abs' and just to be sure, she drops it onto my stomach. I crunch, throw the ball into the kitchen and Coco slides across the tile and under the table, crashing into the chairs. Undaunted and unscathed, she retrieves the ball and we go again. And again and again. For her, it's all about the reps.

The only drawback to having a four-legged workout partner is the need for an occasional hiatus to the yard. But within less than a minute, I've hit the pause button, snapped on her leash, we've jogged out the door and Coco has taken care of business. She's a good girl and she knows that dawdling during workout sessions won't fly. 


With a renewed vitality Coco bounds back into the living room,sinks her teeth into the pink ball and shakes it until it squeaks for mercy. 


By the cool down, I'm on my own. It's my turn to stretch out on the mat and Coco is curled up on the couch, pink ball out of sight and out of mind. Till next time.



If you're looking for a workout partner, I highly recommend the four-legged kind. No muss. No fuss. No drama.

Dear Jillian

As I begin my 4th day of torture, I am compelled to write an 
angry letter to JM.


Dear Jillian, 


I hate you. This morning as I hobbled over to my computer, the painful knots in my calves screaming, I had to wonder. Are you trying to kill me?


Thanks to your crunches, my ribs are so tender that it hurts to laugh. (Fortunately, that's not much of a problem since you came into my life.)

Last night as I was applying ice packs and Bio-freeze to my throbbing muscles, inspiration (desperation?)hit me right between my poor bloodshot eyes and I knew I had found a way out of your high-impact-hell!


"This is probably the kind of work out that I should ease into," I thought. "Maybe tomorrow I should take a break. If I workout just 3 or 4 days a week, I'll be done in less than 3 months. After all, what's the rush?"


Since I am blogging, I have to stick to the rules. After a few minutes of online research I learned what you already know. (Sh*t) 


You expect me to complete your "30 Day Shred" in 30 days! In a row. No breaks? Are you insane? 


Okay. I know you have your reasons. You feed me the same spoonful of granola laced BS every morning: "I know this is hard, but when we make a promise to change your body in thirty days, we have to make sure we deliver results!" 


Okay Jillian. Here are my stats from day one:


Weight: 115.6 lb
Waist:     3O in
Hips:       35 in
BFP:        20.5


So let's see if you make good on your promise to deliver me a new body. (I'm pretty sure it was less painful when my OB/GYN delivered me a new baby.)


And one more thing. Either you can't count or you're a big fibber. I set my stopwatch at the beginning of my last two '20 Minute' torture sessions and just as I suspected, your workout ran long! 


In fact, your daily effort to kill me actually takes you over 27 minutes. 


Gotcha!


Loath you very much,


Toning and Groaning

20 Minutes

20 Minutes? 20 Minutes My Aunt Fanny! That workout was much longer. At least 25 minutes. I'm setting my stopwatch 
tomorrow. I'll get back to you on that. The last time 20 minutes took that long, I was having a root canal.

I roll out of bed before 5 AM looking like road kill and Jillian (JM) shows up wearing a smile, a skimpy sports bra and a pair of sweats cut so low, I'm not sure if I'm more impressed with her six-pack or her bikini wax.


One look at her and I'm guessing it took a little longer than 30 days to shred that body. 


She's as tough as she looks and she came to play. Seconds into the warm-up and my feet are off the ground. High Impact. Yikes! JM does not take prisoners.

"If you're looking for the modified version of a jumping jack, look elsewhere," she taunts. "I have 400 lb people who can do jumping jacks!" (Sure, but do they still have knees?)


As we start the first strength training circuit she orders me to the floor for push-ups. Ugh. Thankfully she allows a modification and my knees hit the deck for 'sissy' push-ups.


At the onset of our first cardio session her smile is gone(ditto for me) and so are her concessions.


"You can't expect to get results in 20 minutes by phoning it in!" she barks. (Really? Because, I was sort of hoping...)


No breaks are allowed and when we begin the first set of abs, I am just grateful that I get to lie down.


During the third set of abs she says, "I know you feel that knot in your gut!"


"Finally!" I think. "A little compassion."


I am wrong.


"That's fear getting ready to leave your body!"


This time she's wrong.


That's not fear. I'm pretty sure that's breakfast getting ready to leave my body. And it only took 20 minutes.

Twas the Season

So I braced myself and stepped on my bathroom scale this morning. Ugh. 


If it could sing, my scale would have sounded something like this: "Twas the season full of folly. Fa la la laaaaaa.... La la la la! You ate everything but the holly!.. .Ha ha ha haaaaaa.... Ha ha ha ha!"


Okay, so it's time to face my 5 holiday pounds. The ones I earned by eating as though I were headed for the electric chair. 


I realize it doesn't sound like much and I could live with 5 lbs of lean, mean muscle, but this particular 5 has all the potential of a mean muffin-top.


Time to cut out the junk food and add back the workouts. And since mornings are such a mad-dash lately,I feel the need for something efficient. 


Enter Jillian Michaels of 'Biggest Loser' fame, who claims she can give me a lean, shredded body in 30 days.


All right 'TV's Toughest Trainer', You're on. Oh! And here's the best part: It's only a 20 minute workout. 


But what about her promise of a lean-shredded body? I can't help but wonder if its really do-able or if she's feeding me a load of bologna? (which may just be the one thing I did not eat last month) 


Only one way to find out. "30 Day Shred" here I come. 


And FYI, Jillian; I am not afraid of you. (I'm sure if I keep telling myself that....)


I know I can handle it. After all, It's only twenty minutes. 


Right?